So, you’ve made it. Your child is 18, maybe off to college, starting a job, or embarking on some form of adulthood. You’re thinking, “Well, I survived the teen years—my parenting duties are winding down, right?” Hate to break it to you, but nope, you're still on the clock. Spoiler alert: I’m a fully grown adult, and I still need my parents. A lot. (Just ask my parents ha!)
I’m not alone. Turns out, parenting isn’t a temporary gig. It’s a lifelong job, and believe me, your 18-to-25-year-olds still desperately need you, even if they pretend they’ve got it all figured out.
Wait, Adulthood at 18? Not Exactly…
I remember turning 18 and thinking I had all the answers. Now, looking back? Hilarious. At 18, we might be legally adults, but the whole "my brain is fully developed, and I can handle life" thing? Total myth. The brain isn’t even done growing until around 25! That means your young adult child is still making decisions with a prefrontal cortex that’s not quite finished. The prefrontal cortex, by the way, is the part responsible for judgment, decision-making, and impulse control. So when your 22-year-old calls asking, "Should I quit my job and backpack through Europe?" it's not just wanderlust talking—it’s science!
Neuroscientist Jay Giedd found that the brain's frontal lobe, the area responsible for planning and emotional regulation, keeps developing into our mid-20s. Which, honestly, explains a lot about why I still find myself calling my parents asking, "What should I do about this?" Even though my brain is technically fully formed at 36…maybe I’m just overly attached!! ha!
Your adult child is, neurologically speaking, still in the oven.
“I’m Still Figuring It Out”
Let’s talk about emerging adulthood, a term coined by psychologist Jeffrey Arnett to describe the 18-25 range. It’s a stage where young adults are experimenting with independence, careers, relationships, and—let’s be real—failing at adulting half the time. (I say this with love, as someone who is still stumbling through adulthood myself.)
During this time, there’s a lot of instability. Career uncertainty, relationship drama, figuring out finances (I still don’t fully understand taxes)—it’s a lot. And guess what? We need our parents. I don’t always call my parents for financial bailouts (although... thanks, Mom and Dad, for that one time), but emotionally? I’m on the phone all the time. It turns out I’m not alone in this. According to the American Psychological Association, young adults rely heavily on parental support during times of stress. Whether it’s a breakup, job rejection, or existential crisis ("What am I doing with my life?"), parents remain the go-to source of comfort and advice, even when we pretend otherwise.
From Helicopter to Consultant
So, what does this mean for you as a parent? Your role is evolving, not ending. Instead of being the helicopter parent hovering over every decision, you get to be the consultant—the person your child calls when life throws them a curveball.
There’s research to back this up. A study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that ongoing parental involvement, especially emotionally, was linked to better mental health in young adults. So, if you’re still getting calls about how to handle a bad boss or needing advice on whether to move in with their significant other, congratulations—you’re doing it right. Your child might not need you to pack their lunch anymore, but they still need your guidance.
Balancing Independence and Connection
Now, I get it—your 20-something kid is trying to prove they’re independent. But even as we push for freedom, we crave connection. It’s like when I told my mom, "I’ve got this, I’m totally independent now!" and then immediately called her to figure out how to pay my first electric bill. We may be driving the car (metaphorically and literally), but we still need you in the passenger seat reminding us how to avoid running into a wall.
Research shows that emotional availability from parents leads to better outcomes for young adults. A solid parent-child connection, even in adulthood, helps with mental health and navigating stressful life transitions. It’s the ultimate balancing act: being there when we need you but giving us enough space to try (and occasionally fail) on our own. It’s like teaching us to ride a bike all over again—except now the bike is called "life," and it’s way more complicated.
The Science of Love (Yes, It’s Still Important)
We might be grown, but we still need your love and support. Seriously, science says so. Studies on attachment theory show that the bond between parents and children doesn’t vanish when we turn 18. In fact, secure attachments in childhood carry into adulthood, helping us handle life’s ups and downs with greater resilience.
So, when your 23-year-old comes home after a tough day and still wants a hug from mom or dad, don’t roll your eyes. That connection, that emotional safety net, is part of what helps us take risks and face challenges. We may not say it out loud (because, you know, we’re trying to be adults), but we still need that unconditional love you’ve been dishing out since we were toddlers.
Embrace the Never-Ending Parenting Journey
If you were hoping to retire from parenting once your child hit adulthood, well, surprise! The good news? Your job is different now. It’s less hands-on but just as important. You’re still the guide, the cheerleader, and sometimes, the safety net. We’ll still come to you for advice, comfort, and yes, sometimes a little financial support.
So, buckle up. Parenting is a lifelong endeavor. And while we might be out of the house (or at least trying to be), we still need you. After all, who else are we going to call when life gets messy?
Sources:
Giedd, J. N. (2015). The amazing teen brain. Scientific American Mind.
Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist.
American Psychological Association. (2019). Young adults and parental influence.
Journal of Family Psychology. (2017). Parental involvement and young adult well-being.
Pew Research Center. (2022). Living arrangements of young adults in the U.S.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.