9.11.2024

One of the most impactful influences on a child, especially when it comes to body image and self-esteem, is the parent of the same sex. For daughters, this means that a mother’s relationship with her own body, food, and health often serves as the most significant model for how a young girl will approach these same issues.

Research supports this notion. A study by Kluck (2010) found that daughters are more likely to mirror their mother’s body dissatisfaction and dieting behaviors than those of any other family member. The study highlights that daughters tend to internalize the messages they receive from their mothers about food, appearance, and body image more deeply than they do from fathers or other role models. Essentially, a mother’s own behavior, attitude, and language around these topics have the potential to shape how her daughter feels about herself and her body.

This influence isn't just limited to what a mother says directly to her daughter but also extends to what she says about her own body. If a mother constantly engages in negative self-talk, criticizes her appearance, or frequently diets, it sends a message to her daughter that these behaviors are normal. The daughter learns that her self-worth may be tied to her physical appearance, reinforcing unhealthy patterns of behavior, such as body dissatisfaction and dieting.

Conversely, when a mother models a healthy, balanced relationship with food and her body, her daughter is more likely to develop similar attitudes. Daughters who grow up seeing their mothers express self-acceptance and prioritize health over appearance tend to be more confident and have healthier relationships with their bodies.

I get it, I really do…

As both a therapist and a mom, I find myself wearing two hats—one that is full of professional insight and the other deeply personal. When it comes to how we talk to our daughters about their bodies and health, both parts of me feel the weight of this conversation. And as a woman who has also experienced the ups and downs of body image, I know firsthand how much power our words can carry, especially when they come from the people who mean the most to us.

If there’s one thing I wish I could tell every parent, it’s this: don’t be hard on your daughter about working out or comment on her food choices. I know that it can feel tempting, especially if you’re worried about her health or want to motivate her, but those kinds of comments can often do more harm than good. I’ve seen how much these conversations can impact teens, often in ways parents never intended. What starts as concern can turn into stress, shame, or a poor relationship with food and exercise.

Why you need to pause before commenting…

I completely understand why parents feel they need to address their daughter’s habits, especially when it comes to exercise and eating. We all want our kids to be healthy and happy. However, when the focus is too much on their food choices or how often they’re working out, it can send the message that their worth is tied to their habits or how their body looks. This can lead to negative feelings about their bodies or develop unhealthy habits around food and exercise.

I’ve had countless young girls sit in my office and share the moments they started to feel self-conscious about their bodies. Often, it wasn’t something they saw on social media or heard from a friend—it came from something their parents said. Even comments made with the best intentions, like suggesting they work out more or eat differently, can leave lasting impressions and contribute to unhealthy behaviors.

Research supports this. A study published in Eating Behaviors found that teens who received comments from family members about their eating habits or exercise routines were more likely to engage in unhealthy behaviors, like skipping meals or obsessing over calorie counting (Berge et al., 2015). This kind of pressure can create a negative cycle, where teens begin to feel like their worth is tied to how much they exercise or what they eat.

As a woman, I know how deeply these kinds of comments can affect us. I still remember times growing up when comments about what I was eating or whether I was being active enough made me question my body and habits. Etched into my teenage memories are comments I overheard from family members talking about me gaining weight and whether I should have eaten whatever they saw me eat. Even when those comments were made out of concern, they planted a seed of insecurity that stuck with me.

I carried those feelings with me for years. They affected how I approached food, exercise, and even how I saw myself. While I’ve worked through many of those issues—both through therapy and self-reflection—I often think about how different my relationship with food and my body might have been if I hadn’t internalized those messages.

Now, as a mom, I’m extra mindful of how I talk to my daughters about health. I don’t want them to feel the same pressures I did, and I’m always conscious of the way I frame conversations about food, exercise, and body image. I want my girls to have healthy relationships with their body and habits, free from the stress and shame I felt growing up.

So what? Should we avoid the topic altogether?

No, you absolutely should be involved in your child’s health. The key is to focus on overall well-being and support them in building healthy habits without being overly critical or making them feel like they’re not doing enough.

Here’s what I’ve learned as a therapist, a mom, and a woman:

The MOST powerful thing you can do to influence your daughter’s relationship with food is to model a healthy relationship with food and exercise. The old adage, “do as I say and not as I do” is NOT it. It doesn’t work. Your daughter is watching how YOU treat your own body, and she’ll likely follow your lead. Try to show her that exercise and healthy eating are important for feeling good, not just for looking a certain way. Avoid talking about dieting or making negative comments about your own body, as that can influence how she sees herself.

Focus on how exercise makes her feel, not how it changes her body. Instead of pushing your daughter to work out for appearance-related reasons, talk about the benefits of exercise in terms of how it makes her feel. You can say things like, “Exercise can make us feel strong and energized” or “Being active helps relieve stress,” instead of emphasizing weight loss or appearance.

Encourage healthy choices without controlling her diet. It’s important to promote balanced eating habits, but be careful not to police every food choice. Instead of commenting on what your daughter is eating or what she should eat, involve her in meal planning and cooking. Make it fun and educational, so she learns how to nourish her body without feeling like she’s being monitored or judged.

Praise her for who she is, not what she does. It’s easy to fall into the habit of complimenting our kids when they make healthy choices or exercise. But it’s even more important to praise them for qualities unrelated to food or fitness. Tell your daughter how proud you are of her creativity, her kindness, or her perseverance. This will help her feel valued for who she is, rather than what she does or how she looks.

Create a healthy, positive environment. Make your home a place where food and exercise are part of a healthy lifestyle, not something that comes with pressure or guilt. Stock your kitchen with a variety of nutritious foods, but also make room for treats, so your daughter understands that balance is key. Encourage fun, active family activities like hiking, biking, or dancing, without making it about burning calories or losing weight.

Talk openly about health and well-being. Have regular conversations with your daughter about how she feels—physically, mentally, and emotionally. If she feels stressed about her body, eating, or exercise, offer her a listening ear without judgment. Let her know it’s okay to talk about her struggles, and work together to find solutions that help her feel better, not worse.

When to Seek Help

If you notice that your daughter is becoming obsessed with food, exercise, or weight, or if she’s showing signs of disordered eating—like skipping meals, excessively controlling her food, or over-exercising—it may be time to seek professional help. Early intervention is critical in preventing more serious issues like eating disorders, and a therapist can help your daughter develop a healthier relationship with her body.

Family therapy can also be helpful if there are tensions at home around food and health. It provides a space where parents and teens can talk openly, without judgment, and helps families develop healthier patterns around these sensitive topics.

Final Thoughts…

As parents, we want our daughters to grow up healthy and strong. But in our efforts to guide them, it’s important to be careful with how we talk about food and exercise. By focusing on overall well-being, encouraging balanced habits, and creating a positive environment, we can help our daughters build a healthy relationship with their bodies—one that isn’t clouded by guilt, shame, or pressure.

Ultimately, your daughter needs to know that she is valued for who she is, not what she eats or how much she works out. By first modeling, and then showing her love, support, and understanding, you can help her feel confident and strong in her own skin—something that will benefit her for a lifetime.

Sources:

• Berge, J. M., Wall, M., Hsueh, T. F., Fulkerson, J. A., Larson, N., & Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2015). The effects of family weight teasing on youth weight-related behaviors and psychological health. Eating Behaviors, 17, 66–69. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eatbeh.2014.12.005

• Kichler, J. C., & Crowther, J. H. (2009). The role of parent modeling and family environmental factors in the development of eating disturbances in adolescents. Behavior Therapy, 40(3), 257-267. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2008.07.003

• Kluck, A. S. (2010). Family influence on disordered eating: The role of body image dissatisfaction. Body Image, 7(1), 8-14. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2009.09.009

• Neumark-Sztainer, D., Wall, M., Story, M., & Fulkerson, J. A. (2010). Are family meal patterns associated with disordered eating behaviors among adolescents? Journal of Adolescent Health, 47(4), 341–348. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2010.02.005