Confidence Code - High School Version

Being a high school girl in today’s world is like walking a tightrope over a sea of constant comparison—while balancing a textbook on your head and pretending you totally have your life together. Between Instagram feeds that make everyone’s life look like a curated masterpiece, the pressure to stand out while somehow still fitting in, and the never-ending competition over everything from grades to social circles, it’s *exhausting*. As a teen mental health counselor, I see firsthand how this affects young girls.

The unfortunate truth?

A lack of confidence can turn this pressure into something even more toxic—competition that breeds unkindness.

And let’s be real, no one has time for *that* drama.

Confident Girls (REAL CONFIDENCE) are NICE Girls

You’ve probably heard that “mean girls” are usually just insecure. Well, science actually backs that up. (Shocking, I know.) Studies show that confidence isn’t just about feeling good in your own skin—it also affects how you treat others. A study published in the *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology* found that individuals with higher self-esteem are more likely to engage in prosocial behaviors, like kindness and cooperation (Baumeister et al., 2003). Meanwhile, those who struggle with insecurity often project their self-doubt onto others in the form of gossip, exclusion, and criticism.

In other words, confident girls don’t waste their time tearing others down because they’re too busy being awesome. They recognize that someone else’s success doesn’t mean their own failure. They embrace collaboration over competition. And honestly? High school is *so much better* when you have a solid group of girls who actually support you instead of trying to low-key sabotage your happiness.

If I had a dollar for every conversation I had with a teen girl about mean girls—- let’s just say I wouldn’t have to work anymore… Mean girls (insecure girls) leave others feeling less than and as if there is something wrong with them.

News Flash!!! Its really not you, it’s them.

So, how can you spot someone who might be acting out of insecurity? Here are five painfully obvious red flags:

1.Constant Criticism of Others – If someone is always pointing out flaws in others, it’s often because they’re battling their own self-doubt. It’s not you, it’s them. (Related— but kind of not— if they are talking about someone else to you, they are likely talking about you to someone else.)

2. Obsession with Social Media Validation – If likes, follows, and comments dictate someone’s mood, they might be relying on external validation instead of internal confidence. (No, 100 likes won’t actually fix your problems.) Ever heard the phrase, “If you live for their praise, you will die by their criticism?” Well…confidence is an inward journey between you and yourself, not a journey between you and others.

3. Frequent Comparisons– Insecure individuals often measure their worth based on how they stack up against others, which is exhausting and completely unnecessary. Being beautiful doesn’t make someone else ugly.

4. Jealousy and Sabotage – A confident person hypes their friends up, while an insecure one might suddenly “forget” to tell you about that big opportunity.

5. Trying Too Hard to Please Everyone– A people-pleaser who constantly fears rejection may struggle with self-assurance. If they agree with literally everyone all the time, that’s a RED flag.

5 Ways to Handle Haters

If you’re a high school girl navigating the social scene, you’re bound to encounter some negativity. But here’s how to handle it like a *queen*:

1. Kill Them with Kindness – Often, unkind people expect a reaction. Don’t give them one. A simple, “Wow, I hope you have a great day!” can throw them off so much they won’t know what to do next.

2. Set Boundaries– Confidence means knowing your worth and not engaging with negativity. If someone is toxic, it’s okay to hit the metaphorical “unfollow” button in real life.

3. Don't Take It Personally – Mean behavior is usually just a mirror reflecting the other person’s issues, not yours. So, don’t waste your energy overthinking their drama.

4. Surround Yourself with Positive People– Energy is contagious. Stick with friends who build you up, not the ones who secretly hope you fail.

5. Channel It Into Growth– Use negativity as fuel to focus on your goals, improve yourself, and become an even better version of you. Let your success be your response.

Confidence isn’t about being the loudest or most popular person in the room—it’s about being *comfortable* in your own skin. When girls stop seeing each other as competitors and start embracing their own worth, the entire high school experience shifts. So, instead of getting caught in the comparison trap, focus on being the best version of yourself—and uplifting the girls around you while you’re at it. Because trust me, *that* is the real flex.

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**Sources:**

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85*(3), 605-615.