Why We Still Need Our Parents (even after they are gone)

9. 23. 2024

Let’s be real: we never quite outgrow our parents, do we? Whether they’re micromanaging your entire life or offering unsolicited advice about your wardrobe choices, they have this magical way of sticking around. But here’s the kicker – they’re still with us even after they’re gone. It’s like they’ve left a permanent imprint on our minds, hearts, and, yes, even our DNA. And as much as we like to believe that we’re completely self-sufficient adults, we still need them. (Yes, even you, Brenda, Don’t deny it.)

So, why exactly do we cling to this need for our parents, even after they’ve passed away? Is it just nostalgia? A case of unresolved mommy or daddy issues? Nope, the reasons are far more complex – and they’re rooted in our biology and psychology. Let’s break it down.

Your Parents Are Literally In Your DNA

First off, our connection to our parents is not just a “mental thing” – it’s hardwired into our biology. From the moment you were born, a lovely little hormone called oxytocin began to do its thing. Oxytocin, often known as the “love hormone,” is responsible for bonding between humans. It’s why you feel all warm and fuzzy when your mom hugged you after scraping your knee or why you probably (sometimes) still miss their weird sense of humor at family dinners. Studies show that oxytocin helps reinforce these emotional bonds that keep us connected to our caregivers, and this bond is not something we simply grow out of .

But it goes deeper than just hormones. Our very DNA carries traces of our parents. Not only do we inherit our physical traits from them (thanks for the weak teeth), but recent research in epigenetics shows that their life experiences may shape our genes as well. That’s right – your grandma living during the depression and barely having enough to eat may end up in your own DNA, shaping how you deal with stress in your adult life . So, even after they’re gone, they live on in us – quite literally.

Psychological Imprinting

From a psychological standpoint, our parents are like the first GPS system we rely on to navigate the world. (Although let’s be honest, some of their “directions” were way off.) The theory of attachment, popularized by British psychologist John Bowlby, explains that the bond we form with our parents during infancy shapes how we relate to others for the rest of our lives . Our parents give us a “blueprint” for love, trust, and safety – and this foundation sticks with us long after they’re gone.

When you were little, your parents (hopefully) provided you with a secure base – a safe zone from which you could explore the world. As you grew older, you might have thought, “I’m totally independent now!” But the reality is, we never fully outgrow the need for that secure emotional foundation. This is why, even after a parent’s death, their voice still echoes in our minds. We continue to seek their approval, hear their advice, and feel their presence in our daily decisions. Whether it’s choosing a career or trying to remember how to make that secret family recipe, they’re always there – in some form.

You Don’t Have to “Move On”

For a long time, there was this idea that grieving involved “letting go” of your loved ones and “moving on.” Well, here’s some good news: modern psychology says that’s crap. Enter the concept of continuing bonds, developed by researchers Klass, Silverman, and Nickman . Their research showed that maintaining a connection with a deceased loved one is not only normal but healthy. So, if you still talk to your mom when you’re stuck in traffic or ask your dad for advice during a stressful week, you’re not crazy – you’re just human.

These continuing bonds explain why we keep certain rituals, memories, or even objects that remind us of our parents. It could be their favorite shirt, passing around chocolate covered cherries at Christmas even though no one actually likes or eats them, canning tomatoes because you always did it with them, their watch, or that weird trinket they picked up on vacation – these things help us feel connected, even when they’re no longer physically with us. Studies have shown that people who maintain these emotional connections with deceased parents often cope better with their grief . So no, you don’t have to toss out their stuff or stop thinking about them to heal. Keep the bond alive – it’s part of what makes us whole.

The Emotional Craving for Parental Validation (Even When They’re Gone)

Let’s not pretend we don’t crave our parents’ approval – because we all do. Whether they were helicopter parents or gave you free rein, there’s a part of us that continues to seek their validation long after they’ve left this world. Research in developmental psychology shows that our need for parental affirmation shapes our self-worth well into adulthood . So even when you think you’re finally past the need for their approval, you find yourself wondering, “Would Mom be proud of me?” or “What would Dad think about this decision?”

We build our identities, in part, based on how we were seen by our parents. And even after they’ve passed, we still construct narratives around who they thought we were and what they believed we could become. For better or worse, their perceptions of us can remain a major driving force in our lives.

We’ll Always Need Them

Here’s the deal: we need our parents even after they’re gone because they are, in so many ways, a part of us. Biologically, psychologically, and emotionally, they’ve left a permanent imprint that continues to shape our thoughts, behaviors, and even our sense of self. And that’s okay. Whether you’re talking to them in your head, wearing their old sweater, or simply thinking, “What would Mom or Dad say?” – those bonds don’t have to be broken.

Grief doesn’t mean letting go; it means carrying their influence with us. It’s a reminder that, while they may be gone physically, they’re never really far away. So, embrace the continuing connection, and give yourself permission to keep needing them – it’s just part of being human.

Sources:

1. Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman. Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis, 1996.

2. Bowlby, John. Attachment and Loss: Volume 1, Attachment. Basic Books, 1969.

3. Feldman, Ruth. "Oxytocin and Social Affiliation in Humans." Hormones and Behavior, vol. 61, no. 3, 2012, pp. 380-391.

4. Meaney, Michael J., and Moshe Szyf. "Maternal care as a model for experience-dependent chromatin plasticity?" Trends in Neurosciences, vol. 28, no. 9, 2005, pp. 456-463.

5. Stroebe, Margaret, et al. "Attachment in Coping with Bereavement: A Theoretical Integration." Review of General Psychology, vol. 6, no. 1, 2002, pp. 48-66.

6. Edelman, Sarah, et al. "Parental validation as a predictor of self-worth and psychological adjustment in adulthood." Journal of Child and Family Studies, vol. 24, no. 8, 2015, pp. 2390-2398.